Bag Lickers

The time has come to address an ongoing issue throughout the world in which we live. I can’t say for sure that people in Malaysia or Hong Kong are a part of this bag lick assault, but almost every convenience store clerk in the United States IS. For years it seems I’ve repeatedly ignored the bag lickers. You see, the bag licker is a person needing a plastic bag to open in a major way. Granted, the bag will eventually open, these employees feel it’s much easier to slowly raise their hand, gently placing the preferred two fingers up into the air, only to slowly come down for a perfect landing on their… tongue.

The purpose of the finger-raise-tongue-land is to then quickly place these saliva soaked fingers around each side of the plastic bag while performing a back & forth kind of bag wiggle. Once open, a consumer’s purchased stuff is unpleasantly placed inside. Most of the time the same saliva filled fingers are used to place items into the DNA soaked bag. It is then handed over for an immediate store exit.

I’m sorry. Really? Because I am just wondering why it’s okay for a stranger’s spit to be sitting on the handle of the bag which has just become my property. I didn’t pay to be traumatized. I paid to just get something. Whether it is a need or want, it does not require leaving a business with a clerk’s DNA attached to my Doritos.

There once was a frightening bag licker across the street from where I used to live. She would do an arm-raise-two-finger-tongue-out-land before moistening my bag with her nine inch saliva filled acrylic nails. After a couple of months it was just too much. This is your deal, not mine. Finally, I walked up to the counter at the scary old truck stop turned cigar sorda gas station and said, “Is there any way you could not use your saliva to moisten  your thumb & index finger to open the bag which will soon be in my hand?”

Her face turned funny looking with some kind of expression mix– kinda like a scary mad mixed with what the hell. Are these people one large group of convenience store clerks on a trauma causing mission? They are not alone. Grocery store people do this as well. Believe it or not, some department store people also commit this crime.

While shopping in The Woodlands at Macy’s recently, I walked up to the counter to pay for a dress. She instantly became a licker as she began to cover my dress with a long plastic bag. This is out of control not necessary. Really? I mean, I could see being at home with a very cheap trash bag that’s making you nuts. It just won’t open. I’ve torn them in a rage once or twice, but a dress bag? Those things are simple to open. Simple.

I stopped her, post lick, and asked her to hand me the just purchased dress without the bag. I then said, “You realize your spit is all over the bag covering the dress I just bought? Oh, and by the way, what’s your name? We might as well get to know each other since I’m going home with your DNA.” She said she never really thought about it before. Oh, okay.

At this moment, I felt it was time to make a difference. Without getting her in trouble, I asked someone in another department to get the… Manager. The purpose was not to tell on her for being disgusting. Instead, I thought they could suggest purchasing those finger moistener things at the next store meeting. The manager came around the corner and it was none other than… the licker. The person that licked my bag is the manager. Holy moly. has a snazzy definition for exactly what this liquid is:

“Saliva is a clear liquid that’s made in your mouth 24 hours a day, every day. It’s made up mostly of water, with a few other chemicals. The slippery stuff is produced by the salivary (say: sah-luh-vair-ee) glands. These glands are found on the inside of each cheek, on the bottom of the mouth, and under the jaw at the very front of the mouth. They secrete (say: sih-kreet), or ooze, about 2 to 4 pints (or about 1 to 2 liters) of spit into your mouth every day!”

Secrete? Gross Out.

Don’t think for one second that lickers only work at convenience, department, and grocery stores. NO. Business people are even WORSE. Really? Did I really just sit down for a meeting only to have a handout come by with a massive thumb lick? The thumb lick is seriously not necessary in order to hand over a paper you want a person to read. Just because there are 22 packets in your hand, does not mean the only way to distinguish one from the other is by licking your thumb. I passed out papers to kids while I was a teacher for years. I could have been a paper packet licker 5 days a week and they probably would have thought it’s just a cool adult thing. Never did I perform a saliva cop out in order to execute a more rapid paper hand over. Not even when I was alone. True story.

We must all take a stance by standing up to lickers. Consumers do not deserve to leave a store with anyone’s spit on our bag. This thing we call spit isn’t attractive. Saliva may be pleasant to people in a brand new relationship. Great. Hooray for you. Let’s all raise the roof. Other people find saliva gross. It’s yours. You keep it, okay? Pretty please.

6 thoughts on “Bag Lickers

  1. She was embarrassed and nervous I was going to rat her out to her boss/corporate for being a licker. I didn’t tell on her, but emailed them about needing that moistener pad thing at each counter. They said they would take care of it. Hopefully Macy’s is safe. Bag lickers are gross!!!

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