Poor Writers Will Never Win a Webby Award

It was a surprise seeing Andrew Zimmern tweet about The Webby Awards extending the entry deadline to January 31st. Shock waves traveled through my brain thinking about my very own Webby Award worthy article My Doritos Sleeping Bag: Gone Forever. Nothing was better than this moment yesterday. Thanks to Andrew Zimmern, a Webby Award would be mine in no time. It seemed like the Webby Awards application was gently sweet and kind at first. This particular application kept offering to let me submit article after article after article. These articles were supposed to be articles of pure article glory. There’s no way anyone can say My Doritos Sleeping Bag: Gone Forever article is not Webby Award worthy. People who make predictions have probably already predicted this.

All of the sudden, like when I finally told my husband how much culinary school was really going to cost, the end of the application exploded with money thunder. Each article submitted costs none other than $325, which automatically means Webby Award winners are rich writers who probably write stories on fifty dollar bills when there isn’t any paper around. Who has $325 to send strangers without even knowing if the Webby Award strangers really care? What if the Webby Award strangers in charge of reading hundreds of thousands of articles do not like Doritos and think this bag of nacho cheese flavored tortilla chips is the dumbest food ever invented? What if the same group of people had lice in 4th grade and my Doritos sleeping bag story brings back a flood of horrifying lice memories? This is not a $325 chance I’m willing to take.

Who makes a writer pay to produce evidence of writing marvel? I’m doing them a favor sharing this kind of masterpiece. What are they doing with this $325 anyway? My two Chihuahuas both need their shots and will soon have their annual teeth cleaning. No one has time to give the Webby Award readers $325 to decide whether award worthiness exists. This is a catastrophe to awards everywhere. The most horrific display of awards making poor people sad in the history of rich award stipulations.

Even worse, there were more options for those feeling extra special to submit more than one article. I immediately thought of my Forced Valet article that’s been waiting over one year for a James Beard Award. Do you think James Beard charges $325 for award consideration? He’s not like that because it’s just not right. James Beard is probably sad at this very moment even though he’s dead. This Forced Valet addition brought the grand total to $650. Come again? Who around here is smoking a crack pipe? Poor writers need to play softball or something and hope for a participation trophy in the end because there’s no Webby Award for the poor– that’s for sure.

On the up and up, Yahoo News already placed My Doritos Sleeping Bag: Gone Forever award worthy article on their website, which translates into winning some kind of Yahoo Website Award. I’m sorry, but kind of receiving a Yahoo Website Award for free is way more exciting than winning a Webby Award for $325. This is how I feel, so it must be true.

Because of this $325 per article entry fee, this year’s Webby Award winner will not really be the winner because My Doritos Sleeping Bag: Gone Forever article will never have been read by the Webby Award readers who choose the winner. I have a feeling once the Webby Award inventor realizes this debacle of money injustice is unfair to talented poor citizens of the United States of America, this person will immediately waive all future entry fees, refund innocent blog victim’s money, and head straight to church to ask for Webby Award entry fee forgiveness.

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