First Class

Going on a trip can cause mental anguish if the traveler has difficulty with the almighty first class upgrade. Sometimes it’s better for some people to stay in coach where they belong. I just so happen to be one of those people.

The first thing that recently annoyed my husband was when I asked if he thinks the first class blanket would look nice in my chihuahua’s kennel. I have two chihuahuas, so I need to fly first class at least two times to have four fluffy first class blankets for their kennel. American Airlines has way too many first class blankets to begin with. My brand new husband did not fancy this chihuahua-American-Airlines-blanket-heist all that much.

Poor people need to raise the roof because first class isn’t just for high rollers. Poor people can enjoy eating with a real fork, too. I’m not sure poor people realize the surprising potential for an airplane seat upgrade. One time I said it was my birthday and my ex-boyfriend with a double life cheated on me with a terry cloth wearing Hooters girl. They upgraded me faster than I could say hoochie. Another no-brainer upgrade happened after the airline lost my luggage on a flight into New York City during the 27 inch blizzard of 2006.

There are certain things non first class people need to know before choosing to accept an upgrade to a place they don’t belong. As commoners, we all need to calm down and accept that we finagled our way up in the club.

First class 101 starts now. Hurry up and sit down. Board the plane as fast as you can because the flight attendant wants to pamper you before takeoff. Don’t relax when you get your pre-departure drink. The flight attendant does not have time for anyone to relax yet. Drink fast and be ready to return your glass within four minutes. Sometimes it’s not possible to pre-board-pamper first class citizens because coach people are crowding the aisle. These basic coach people need to be thrown off the plane and sent to some kind of interrogation room to be strip searched for ruining thirsty rich people’s pre-departure pampering.

Commoners accidentally ending up in first class need to keep it cool. Do not take pictures of your area even if the flash is off. This is unacceptable among the rich people. Prepare to hear people brag in front and behind you. Braggers belong here. This is their home away from Highland Park. A River Oaks rendezvous. Do not try and use your iPhone earbuds in first class. This is gross. Other first class people will be embarrassed for you. Just sit there and act regular unless you have Bose headphones, which is mandatory.

When given a warm lemon scented cloth, please wipe your hands fast. The flight attendant wants the washcloth back immediately because it’s beneath your first class classiness to keep this cloth very long. She will walk over with a tong. This tong is long. Its purpose is to prevent the touching of dirty warm washcloth germs.

Warm nuts can be expected next. Imagine being given a small dish with the most beautiful warm nuts placed all comfy inside. This dish is placed in front of you while cumulus clouds surround your first class window. Regular clouds are passing all seats in coach, not cumulus. If you receive some kind of lame nut bag without warmth, consider yourself a first class loser. Next, your entree arrives with a real fork and knife.

People in first class are so classy they don’t have time to work for al Qaeda. These people should have access to real utensils while being only a few feet away from the cockpit. Have you ever seen a terrorist in first class? Come on. Terrorists have no desire to be in first class. Terrorists do not want attention. First class people get attention, so terrorists shy away from this particular part of the plane. Since terrorists do not like being pampered on a plane, they choose to sit in the back. For this reason, first class people get to use a real fork and knife as tools for consuming airplane food, rather than as a weapon.

The worst part about first class is when the flight attendant sits down and starts reading a magazine. This is so sad for people still craving first class attention. There is always the call button. People using the call button need to be ejected from first class and placed in the last row beside the stinky bathroom door. Use of this button is rude. It’s like doing the wave, whistle, or air-check-request with an imaginary pen during dinner.

Just because you are finally living large in first class does not mean you need to act like an animal. Yes, drinks are free. Sometimes I’d pay the upgrade and calculate how many free drinks would make up for the upgrade cost. This is not classy.

Sometimes people in coach try to use the first class restroom. Pretend to not see this happening. Act as though you are busy watching first class clouds roll by your first class window seat. Do not taint your first class condition with such sadness.The good news is we are all worthy of a big leather seat in the sky. Just make sure you’re ready for all that comes with first class.