Pen Clickers

photo via
photo via

Pen clickers are kind of like bag lickers because even though these people are violating innocent victims, the innocent victims feel they can’t say anything about it. Pen clicking while someone else is trying to focus is the most annoying act in existence. I would rather a stranger lick their fingers and slap my face before handing me a bag-licked bag of groceries.

The other day I was trying to concentrate on what my teacher was teaching at Le Cordon Bleu. All of the sudden, a mysterious pen began to click and click and click and click and click. This was not a one-click in order to use the pen or a one-click to end pen use. This was not a one-two click to get pumped up for note taking either. No. This was a full blown pen clicking catastrophe. I can’t remember the last time a pen clicker violated me. It’s been years since this kind of torture has been reality. Maybe it was in elementary school or maybe the memory is so painful it has been repressed to the deepest part of my brain.

It seemed like a regular day. It really did. I had my quadruple espresso shot iced latte with 2% milk from Starbucks as usual. Things appeared fine. It was time to take notes while listening to my teacher. Who knew a pen clicker would begin to click. It was non-stop. If there was an award for the longest consecutive pen click in the history of clicking a pen, we would have a winner. I quickly noticed that all I noticed was the sound of this pen clicking and clicking and clicking. I could no longer take notes on properly preparing hollandaise sauce because I had to start counting the clicks instead. After counting the clicks, to see just how high the number would go, I changed my mind and decided to analyze the fast-slow-fast-slow-stop click pattern.

The unthinkable happened two days later. While attempting to listen to my teacher teach again, a total of three students became pen clickers at the same time. This was no ordinary group-pen-click. This group-pen-click was an offbeat kind of click. It could have been the tune to a song on a weird radio station. This is when a full blown pen clicker investigation began. Looking around the room, it came to my attention that only one student in the entire class did not have the ability to click a pen. This one and only pen in the class had none other than a lid. Having a lid easily prevents a person from pen clicking.

People that are pen clicking are in some kind of trance. Maybe I’m a pen clicker and just don’t know it because when anyone is a part of this horrific act, they don’t realize it. I’m thinking every person on the planet has committed this heinous pen clicking crime at least four times. It’s like being hypnotized. Pen clicking falls into the same category as finger-table-top-tapping or random-table-leg-kicking. Just like the student breaking the unwritten college seating assignment rule during Foundations 1, no one around here is upset. There isn’t a bit of pen clicker hostility up in my club. We are all God’s creatures— even pen clickers, whistlers, and bag lickers. Amen.

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