Casually asking a question about the chef caused boy bartender to laugh before seriously saying, “Chef? Nooooo. We don’t have a chef here. We just have cooks. We are kinda like, you know, Cheesecake Factory. It’s just cooks back there. Sorry.”
Before beginning this skin crawling-21-year-old-girl-bartender-conversation-reenactment, keep in mind, her voice is well above average high in sound, pitch, and punch me in the face annoying.
“HEY THERE AND HOW IS YOUR DaAaAaaaAaAaYyyyYYyyyYYY??? Before I take your drink order, you HAVE to order some very TASTY appetizers or a YUMMY bowl of soup. An appetizer is JUST what you need! Here at BJ’s we DO NOT disappoint. I’m gonna let you think on it and I will be RIGHT BACK, but not before I tell YOU the… SPECIALS!”
Really? Is this up sell hell? Please turn 23 before considering the service industry world is within your galaxy. Sincerely.
What happened next is painful. Um, if this particular boy bartender at BJ’s were giving himself one rocket science slip of a tip just one time in his bartending life, well, this tip should be: Do not use the word retarded when referencing the kitchen as mistake makers.
BJ’s boy bartender quickly approved our request to have fish & shrimp tacos blackened instead of fried. As the bartender scampered off, soon after dish delivery, a full blown taco investigation began. While not the end of the world, we notified this soon to be unemployed bartender that one of the tacos is… fried.
Hearing this information sent unpleasant signals directly to his brain, thus causing him to quickly growl, “THE KITCHEN IS COMPLETELY RETARDED!” Ouch. Let’s go ahead, without wasting a single syllable, and give this bartender a Double Did You Really Say That Wow.
I’m sorry guy. Most of the world doesn’t fancy the word retarded. Who are you? Why are you here? Please stop forcing frown wrinkles to wrinkle. Soon appearing was a brand new taco with blackened fish instead of fried.
Nobody enjoys side work while waiting tables. Nobody. At the end of the night it’s a pain to roll 50 or so silver before checking out with the checker. Polishing silver is a must, but let’s face it, not everyone does. Water spots aren’t surprising, but come on BJ’s. This silver is next level nasty, possessing fingerprints, spots, and crusty dried up mystery food from a dishwasher full of funk. Wow + Ouch = Wouch.
Rules in place strictly state:
If a restaurant sucks, round 2 is a must. Barf.
Forced feelings of de ja vu splattered all areas of existence while walking in to witness the exact same bartenders slinging drinks. Stumbling upon bartender girl’s conversation was frightening at best, as she completed a high pitched rant about how most fat people are really in shape.
This previous dance teacher feels fat people’s muscle tone must be considered. This dance teacher, belonging to a real live company, sometimes finds herself day dreaming about six pack abs from the past.
Bartender boy arrived with a solid purpose of taking a drink order. Would he return? Maybe. After about ten minutes he returned with Titos & soda. Soda fizz was nowhere to be found; therefore waiting for a drink-drop-check-back became our next torture. It took so long that one of the top three service industry rule book rules for retired servers was almost broken.
Rule #2 clearly states one must refrain from spastically raising an arm, hand, finger, or menu with the intention of retrieving a lost bartender slash waiter’s attention. This includes the look around. Do not do the look around people. It is just as bad as the wave. Finally, as tumbleweed began to roll, he arrived.
AVH: Um, the soda must be flat.
Bartender Boy: Oh. The gun must be out. Anything else you want?
AVH: Not really. Do you have bottled club soda?
Bartender Boy: No we don’t. Look, I can’t put (pause) carbon dioxide (pause) in water. It’s not something I can do. This is like Coca Cola company guns, ya know?? We don’t go back in the back and make it work again. Okay? This is out of my hands.
AVH: No problem.
Around five minutes passed when suddenly, he arrived with a tall dirty glass filled with fingerprints of at least four humans. This glass of club soda, from the other gun, was first class frightening.
He felt it best I taste it to make sure. This glass brought forth a flood of repressed devastating dirty dinner memories from G’s Healthy Gourmet. Gulp.
BJ’s vegetarian pizza with sliced mushrooms, green peppers, black olives, white onions and seasoned tomatoes is on top of whole wheat deep dish pizza crust. Sounds much better than it is, or maybe, just maybe, the overall dirtiness of this building brought the dish down. Way. Down.
Bringing everything together would have to be one large bucket of old dirty soap water. Accented with a smashingly soaking wet rag placed ever so gently across the side, we send out a gag & a sigh. Staring at this bucket for an hour brings forth extra special feelings. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
BJ’s = Massive Wouch.
FIVE: High 5!
FOUR: Please & Thank You
TWO: Double Wow
ONE: Wow + Ouch = Wouch
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