No more than 45 minutes of my life will be wasted writing about G’s Healthy Gourmet, so buckle up. Upon reaching 46 minutes, this atrocious display of dirtiness, as well as terrible service, and mediocre food, at best, will be repressed. Many will disagree with my tale of traumatic torture, which is peachy with a side of fine & dandy. Continue to live in your world where G’s Healthy Gourmet is awesome, and I will live in mine.
During this disastrous dining experience, there were a total of TWO tables in the entire restaurant, um, this includes our table. Holy Wow.
After making our way to a cozy little two top in the corner, we waited to be greeted…and waited… and waited… and… waited. After finally making contact with our server, we felt it best to just order drinks. There would be no taking chances and ordering apps WITH our drinks. The odds were not in our favor at this point. As we asked ever so delicately for a bottle of Pellegrino, our server snail crawled off to the kitchen.
Pellegrino drama unfolded immediately. You see, when this bottle reached our table it was a bit different from any ever before witnessed. This bottle had approximately 42 thick greasy fingerprints sporadically smudged… all over it. The cap was opened, and looked as though a pit bull had used it as a chew toy after having not been fed for three days. As if this wasn’t enough to tangle our web, the Pellegrino was finitely flat. A glimmer of carbonation was barely apparent, if for only a moment.
After instantly morphing into Nancy Drew & the Hardy Boys, we could only ponder in thought that this Pellegrino bottle has been… double dipped. Perhaps even triple dipped. I’m going to go ahead, without wasting a single sparkling water spectacle of a second and give this restaurant a Double Did You Triple Dip Our Pellegrino Wow.
As we quickly moved on with our lives, the manager arrived, offering a glass of complimentary wine. She explained, since they do not have a license to serve alcohol, customers have access to free wine. Before I could wrap my brain around this information, she was gone.
The manager soon returned, placing a glass of chardonnay on the table. This glass possessed none other than two different shades of lipstick. I’m no forensic scientist, but I do know my shades. Just wondering if the woman wearing the red lipstick liked her wine at G’s? Oh, I bet the medium pink lipstick lady just loved hers!
After ever so gently placing this bacteria filled object into the corner of the table, we began to listen… No, we weren’t listening to ourselves hum as we counted cumulus clouds through the window. No, we weren’t listening to the footsteps of new victims entering the building. We were listening to the guy in the kitchen belt out, “ORDER UP!!! ORDER UP!!!!! ORDER UP!!!!”
Having mastered 3rd grade math, my calculations concluded this order having a status of up… is ours. After working in the industry for years, the ole’ order up yell is common. The part here in which uncommonness enters is that there are only two tables and the only people working were in the kitchen… or so I thought.
Not in the kitchen would be… the manager. Where was the manager you ask? Oh, she just needed to run next door to Kroger and pick up a loaf of bread for the egg salad sandwich we ordered, that’s all. Maybe the line was long, thus helping push our three item ticket time to over an hour. Soon after the manager walked in with this infamous Kroger bag, our food arrived. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
The egg salad tasted okay. By no means is it going to get into the egg salad hall of fame, or even invited to the after party. All sandwiches are served with a choice of sweet potato fries, a house salad, or regular fries.
The margarita pizza is prepared using extra virgin olive oil and served with tomato & mozzarella cheese. There are many pizzas offered which I’m not going to talk about. Why? I’m totally disgusted with this place slash extra ready to move completely on with my life. Twelve more minutes.
After ordering the fish tacos, I began to feel queasy while day dreaming about where exactly the tilapia for my fish taco came from. Frightening. This dish grossed me out mostly because this place is just falling apart. I broke my own personal rule: If a place seems shady, don’t order fish.
Plain & Simple.
Sitting like animals trapped in a cage, we waited for our check. Our little two top was filled with plates, glasses, and yada. We felt freedom at our fingertips as we spotted our server. She wasn’t carrying our check, oh no, she had a bottle of cleaning spray. Being that it is 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night, our table has not been pre-bussed, and we are waiting for our check… here I sit confused again.
As our server squeaked by, she began squirting mini itty bitty sprays to clean the table beside us. She then asked, “Do you have the time? Just wondering because I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.” Really? I’m sorry. Come again? Did you say YOU feel like YOU are in the Twilight Zone? I would rather describe my feeling at the moment as that of being on Elm Street with Freddie Krueger holding my check while swinging knives at my neck. But, gee willickers, we all wish you well and flowers will be on the way, if we could just get our check.
Having lunch the next day was the only option. It doesn’t seem possible this place could be conducted in this manner ALL the time and still be in business. A second visit, though painful, is only fair. I arrived as soon as they opened, which is 11:00 a.m.
My glass of water was… clean. I ordered a tuna salad sandwich, which was incredibly salty, with a salad. Fresh strawberries on the salad were a plus. I still had to wish for water during my meal. Only one person in the restaurant and I am thirsty. I watched as my server prepped for the day and just… Waited. Wanting. Water.
What is worse than wow + ouch = wouch? G’s Healthy Gourmet doesn’t deserve one strawberry, more so a stem. Catch me if you can. Even if someone stole my car and threw the keys in the kitchen, I wouldn’t return to G’s Healthy Gourmet. The End.
FIVE: High 5!
FOUR: Please & Thank You
TWO: Double Wow
ONE: Wow + Ouch = Wouch
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