Table Seven- CLOSED

Bart would be the bartender on duty during my first visit to Table Seven for lunch. Not long after sitting at the bar with my foodie friend, did Bart begin to make my stomach turn with his, um, gross sow hunting story.

sow (noun)

a. an adult female pig
b. an adult female of certain other mammals, as the bear

As my conversation with Bart began to take a turn for the worse, I imagined myself running to my car for a quick escape to I-45. How this infamous sow story started… is still a bigger mystery to me than anything. With most details repressed, this is what I remember…


“Once I hunted a 300 pound sow. Well, if you ever do, make sure ya kill em. Once I saw a sow fall into a guys lap. She wasn’t dead… raised her head and was trying to gore him.”

Holy Sow Killing Moly… Bart is totally unaware that I am, cough… cough… not exactly into lunch conversations about sow hunting. Alrighty then…

Dear Bart the Bartender,

Um, I would like to offer a little advice for your future endeavors as the drink & service provider at Table Seven… You may want to see if the person you are talking to eats meat before bellying up to the bar with a sow hunting gore story.

Your Sow Loving Friend,

Almost Veggie Houston

There were three servers on the floor. I suddenly became drawn to a young man wearing a cordless telephone on his hip. It was big, like the telephone workers wore in the 80’s while climbing poles. I checked out his outfit and realized he is it… the manager.

After conducting an investigation, I soon discovered… this manager is really… the shift leader. For all amateur service industry humans out there, this would be the best of the best servers. He is entitled to pretend to be the manager on a day the manager is not present.

I like this manager. Would I risk my life to save his, no. Is he adequate for the job as manager/shift leader in control… absolutely. Once I enlighten everyone about visit number two to Table Seven, you will see how this manager appears golden.

My foodie friend and I started with the Blackened Mahi Tostada which consists of a blackened mahi filet served over black beans, topped with lemon-garlic slaw, dispread, pico de gallo & feta cheese.

The Blackened Mahi Tostada is fantastic in every way! Tommy Bahama’s has a fish taco that is the best I have ever had, but Table Seven would definitely be second.

The Seared Gulf Shrimp Burger was on my list of things to order after reviewing the menu online. It consists of seared gulf shrimp, roastper sauce, cilantro & cabbage.

Snore. I found this entrée to be outrageously boring. I imagined it being served with more ingredients, tossed in some type of creamy something… Come on people! The taste was dry, disappointing… yada. We decided to eat the shrimp, toss the bread, and move on.

After we ate the first two items, I asked the shift leader/manager du jour if Table Seven would like to highlight anything special from the menu. Bart the Bartender was standing there and threw in his two cents. “Ya know, I am thinkin’ maybe you should give them the dip and fruit cuz you could get away with comping that and not get in trouble.”

Really Bart? Seriously, you are killing me. First the sow gore story and now comp drama. The chef would keel over on top of his beloved stove if he knew… There is simply no alternative other than to go ahead and give Bart a Double Bartender Wow.

Soon thereafter…

Spinach Artichoke Dip topped with mozzarella, parmesan, tomato & basil. The dip is served with crisp Tandoori Naan flatbread chips. Yawn.

A couple sitting at the bar were eating the fruit when we received ours. They both expressed with extreme excitement that the fruit is one of their favorites, and they are… regulars… Yikes, I’m sorry.

My second visit occurred this past weekend. I am not going to waste any time giving the impersonating manager a… Double Manager Wow. Incredibly bad service… How does an incompetent manager double as a bartender on Sunday during brunch? Last week it was a server doubling as a manager during lunch… What is the deal?

The service was terrifying. I lost almost two pounds from the anguish my body underwent while dining under the care of the scariest of all scary managers that day.

Let me elaborate…

I received my first drink…Thanks. Thanks a lot. I ordered an appetizer, Panko Shrimp, and the case of the disappearing manager saga continues (note the similarity of the Américas useless manager mayhem). I would say around ten minutes pass after ordering my appetizer. I saw her once… I had the honor of watching her straighten and wipe the liquor bottles on the bar.

Um, she was on the other end and I was not about to ask… or do the polite mini wave… oh no… not this time. I have the ole handy dandy stop watch on my iPhone just for managers that cause unnecessary trauma to my brain. I do not feel bad using it… just watch me.

After 14.32 minutes pass, I finally asked one of the servers that walked by. At that time, the manager came over and asked if I would like a drink. My Panko appetizer had been delivered and my answer was… Yes.

The Panko Shrimp consist of Japanese style crusted shrimp served with a horseradish dipping sauce.

I can’t quite believe that after waiting that long for a drink with my appetizer, that she didn’t come back to take my entrée order. I waited 12.57 minutes before I asked the server (the shift leader that acted as manager last week) if he would take my order. I honestly believe he threw her under the bus… She didn’t know I was writing about the restaurant, but he did.

For my entrée, I ordered the Blackened Mahi-Mahi Salad. The blackened mahi filet is served over romaine, mixed greens, cabbage, diced tomatoes, celery, jicama, pecans, parmesan & lemon-garlic vinaigrette.

Just ask me if I had to do a dog and pony show to get a drink with my entrée. I was so thirsty, I started to pray for rain so I could walk on the patio before choking… Help.

Worse than Américas manager… Worse than the manager at Uni Sushi… Worse than the manager at Caffe Bello… A disgrace to the word manager. I considered not sharing this next part, due to the graphic nature.

She later appeared and I watched in slow motion as her right index finger slowly moved up toward her head… No, she did not scratch her head in total amazement at her lack of service ability. No, she did not rub sweat from her brow from the hard work she put in as manager slash bartender that day…Hardly.

Um, she stuck her index finger in her right ear… wiggled it around… and yes, she looked at her finger after the removal. Can we all just gag right now? It’s okay… sometimes the truth isn’t pleasant. I had to tell the entire ear wax drama story… Please & Sorry.

Needless to say, I wasn’t hungry for dessert. I waved the sometimes necessary white flag and once again… begged for consumer freedom. At this point, just let me go. I want out of here forever. The tostada is good, but hey, no tostada is good enough to endure Table Seven.

The manager walked over after making me wait around ten minutes for my check. I didn’t time her… I was over it. I noticed she suddenly appeared much different, hence the shift leader finally told her the restaurant is being written about. He threw her under the bus harder than any professional bus thrower. Brutal.

I know her name, but we will just call her… Non Adequate Service Industry Worker… She came out and I was now standing with my credit card in my hand. She introduced herself, along with asking, “What is it you write about?” My reply, “Service.” She then reaches her hand out to shake mine… and her hand is wet. Could she make my stomach turn like a washing machine one more time for the road? Come on! Enough already.

Who does a shake with wet hands at a restaurant? Jeez. She needs a trophy for her accomplishments today.

There is no way I will ever go to Table Seven again. Many have had a great experience, and that is just peachy. Congratulations. The food is not so incredibly great that I would excuse the disastrous service given. My favorite part of this dining experience is the end…

Almost Veggie Houston gives this restaurant a full blown WOUCH!

FIVE: High 5!
FOUR: Please & Thank You
TWO: Double Wow
ONE: Wow + Ouch = Wouch

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