My sleeping bag looked exactly like a real bag of Doritos. Children lying inside this kind of sleeping bag instantly feel like a nacho cheese flavored tortilla chip. Countless nights were spent watching The Duke’s of Hazzard at my Granny’s house, innocently eating Doritos inside my sleeping bag. All of this happiness ended because of one fateful 4th grade day.
It’s not my fault another 4th grader had a cool-looking purple comb sticking out of her back pocket every single day. We always seemed to be in the restroom at the same time. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to use that purple comb or transfer to another school. This comb had the power to make the comb-owner’s bangs look like a bird flying high in the sky. Who has bangs that not only look like a bird’s wing, but continue to look that way all day long? Even after recess! She was like a White-Rain-Hairspray-spraying-celebrity.
I would have traded my purple Members Only jacket for 15 minutes alone with this comb. Every girl in 4th grade needed to experience this kind of bang glory. It was like an uncontrollable comb urge. We all thought this purple comb was magical. If we could use it, we would all have bird bangs, too.
The person in possession of this purple comb just so happened to have lice. This particular lice-egg-spread sent every person in 4th grade to the nurse’s office. My head is itching just reminiscing. The school nurse demanded the 4th grade parents get rid of all linen. Linen was the enemy. What does a nurse know about lice anyway? All my mom really needed to do was bomb the house. You know, like when fleas are there. Fleas get to party down all around town, but lice have to be treated differently? I think not. What about lice equality? Maybe this nurse has something against lice that she doesn’t have against fleas. This stethoscope wearing lice hater is the reason my Doritos sleeping bag is gone forever. This nurse ruined my life.
People that have never had lice need to calm down. You only think you’ve never had lice. It’s highly likely you have an uncommon Guinness Book of World Records tolerance for handling massive scalp itch. This isn’t something anyone should brag about. Do not walk around town with your non-lice head held high thinking you are above lice eggs hatching on your scalp. These same people probably like mosquitoes.
Sadly, my mother fell under the evil nurse’s spell. She deeply regrets the day she dumped my Doritos sleeping bag into that green trash can at the end of our driveway, along with my pink flower petal sheets and pillow cases. My important stockbroker mother has two secretaries. These two workers periodically scour the internet in hopes of finding one Doritos sleeping bag. They came close a couple of years ago when some guy from Sweden claimed to have one for sale. He turned out to be a lowlife Doritos sleeping bag scam artist.
I thought the moon would soon be hung when I ran across the Doritos twitter account last month. I sent a serious question tweet and they didn’t even respond. It’s not like anyone walks around expecting a retweet, but is it too much to acknowledge a person as existing with the living?
Almost one week went by without an answer from the apparently busy chip titan. I decided to express an emotional tweet to Doritos, opening up just a little more than anyone on twitter ever should. I wasn’t sure Doritos would ever understand the seriousness of my question. All of the sudden, they responded.
I’m sorry. Really? Whoever tweets for Doritos has obviously never had a Doritos sleeping bag. This person probably had a pony instead. I’m thinking this person wore bows all the time with a matching belt. Offering your #1 customer a taped together Doritos bag quilt is like sucker punching a baby. It’s just not right. Do you think the tweeter for Tito’s would act this way? If I had some kind of childhood Tito’s vodka trauma, the person in charge of tweeting Tito’s twitter tweets would tweet sweet tweets in response to such sadness.
After a full blown Doritos profit investigation, there is evidence proving this company has enough money to deliver one sleeping bag, as well as a Hallmark card apologizing for the heinous Doritos quilt tweet. Do you think if Oprah tweeted to Doritos they would barely care? I bet Doritos would stitch together and send a Doritos sleeping bag directly to Oprah’s mansion within minutes. They’d even make mini Doritos sleeping bags for all of her Cocker Spaniels. Do you see Doritos making a mini anything for my two Chihuahuas?
Expressing sorrow such as this sometimes helps guide an individual through the healing process. I have forgiven the nurse for brainwashing my mom. There is no anger towards the 4th grader with the cool purple comb and bird wing bangs. Forgiveness has also been given to Doritos for not making sleeping bags anymore. Now is the time to accept living life without my Doritos sleeping bag.