People were lined up for what seemed like miles. It didn’t matter how long it took. We all knew the deal and were in this together. Neptune Oyster may be super small, but sometimes being a squished eater is necessary. Two-tops sat at four-tops with other two-top strangers, while being shoulder to shoulder with other seafood eaters.
Word on the streets of Boston state this is the place to be if your life depends on eating the best lobster roll ever. I believed every word heard. It just felt right. This side of the street has posers though. I sincerely feel surrounding restaurants use the explosion of love for this place to heighten their chances of lobster roll success.
Look, just because Neptune discovered the best lobster roll recipe does not mean posers can pose all up and down Salem Street. This bothers people possessing the best recipe for anything. Do not be an Italian place beside Neptune, splashing signs down the side of your awning, bragging about some kind of gross looking shredded mayonnaise infested load of scariness. This can be considered a full blown farce.
We sat down beside some kind of cool couple. Cool was written all over the place. Her wrist tattoo was screaming cool stuff. His shirt said “2 Legit 2 Quit.” This seals the cool person deal. All standards of coolness have been met. He even had a hat with a completely flat bill. Not only flat, this hat bill was large. Even better, it was turned to the side— just a little.
His girlfriend wears all the pants. While he wanted to order the lobster roll, she shimmied into his brain with every intention of changing his mind. His body had no choice but to succumb to her ongoing conversation about jacuzzis and connolis. When this conversation entered a level of eating connolis in a jaccuzzi, he was done. Finished. His game was over. All dreams of lobster roll glory were trampled on— beaten down like a non-man. She took the c out of his cool at that very moment.
The beginning of the most beautiful moment began when our server leaned down to gently investigate my preference. “Would you like your lobster roll hot with butter or cold with mayonnaise?” This question exceeds exciting. A question of this magnitude is as equally exciting as leaving Ned Devine’s. It’s a question delivered directly from heaven. Answering this question is simple. “Hot with butter and a side of mayonnaise.” Score. Win. Champion.
My chef friend from college lives in Massachusetts. He was horrified the very second he saw a picture of the pretend lobster roll we endured at Ned’s the day before. He used exclamation points, capital letters, and even wrote “LOL” below the facebook picture. This was not a fake LOL. I feel like he really did laugh out loud; probably really loud. <-- (I just used a semicolon. You’re welcome.) Ned’s fake sad offensively terrible lobster roll has tainted my Boston facebook photo album.
Neptune Oyster is phenomenal. This place is crazy great. When the lobster roll arrived, it was hot with butter. The butter oozed out when I cut it in half. First thoughts were that this might be a butter fiasco. Feelings of fat seemed inevitable. Once mayonnaise morphed with the butter, it was on like Donkey Kong. This truly was a beautiful moment. Mayonnaise and butter were all over my phone and upper body.
During a conversation with our table neighbors, my date did the hand-face-point-food-notification. Nobody likes this. To realize you have mayonnaise and butter on your face while mid-sentence is scary. Why is he making me feel messy? Eating this lobster roll is like being in the line of fire during some kind of massive battle. It’s expected to be messy. Clean people are losers. Plain and simple.
I’ve never eaten a better lobster roll— ever! All this fluff I’ve been fluffing about Rex’s lobster roll in Dallas can now be considered a sham. Maybe we shouldn’t go to Sea Breeze Fish Market. What’s the point? There is no way any place in Dallas can top Neptune. Impossible! It’s over. The quest for the best lobster roll is now complete. We are at the top. There’s nowhere to go but down.
FIVE: High 5!
FOUR: Please & Thank You
TWO: Double Wow
ONE: Wow + Ouch = Wouch
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